i'm afraid of life

2007-06-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

as you may or may not know i have recently re-connected with an old friend. the headphones. and he brought someone with him.
dungen.
no, it's not pronounced dungeon, but i like to think it was recorded in one. it's the best ROCK album i've heard in years. drum fills, guitar solos, flute breaks, organ FREAK OUTS!!!!
dungen is basically a one man band (which i'm always partial too), with some other swede helpling out on lead guitars.
what's it sound like? cream playing blue cheer covers? ten years after if they were from the future? dinosaur jr. if j. mascis decided to be really honest with himself?
that's not quite it.
the singing is all in swedish but i'm guessing the songs are about knights, and vikings, and magic rings, and demons. and probably satan.
and with my headphones on i am slaying dragons and rescuing maidens right alongside dungen!!!
and there's probably an elf or something with me.

2007-04-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

the service was full of people i've never seen. misshapen faces quivering with grief and fear. they have seen the mighty fall and the meek congregating.
i swallowed a pill that cleared my head.
i see your point. i see your pointless point. you are cliched and unimaginative...spread out and crumpled like cheap sheets...stains on your back visible to strangers...hidden from us...hidden like easter eggs.
your sorry tattoos leave a mark of shame. a shame we share. a shame i inherited from my father but entirely new to you.
your fingernails are stained forever...fingernails chipped and broken and regrown and chipped and broken.
(yelled) PAINT YOUR FACE ON THE MIRROR!!
(quietly) paint your face as it is today, because it is as i will always see you.
(yelled) WE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOU!! WE WILL WAKE YOU FROM YOUR SLEEP!! WE WILL KNOCK PICTURES FROM THE WALL!! WE WALK STEPS AHEAD BECAUSE WE KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN AND WE KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING!!
(whispered) your voice is tired. it crackles and quivers like manipulated tape.

2007-04-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

and that's who succeeds in this world.
the rapists.
the child rapists.
men with no morals.
men with bricks in their hands.
men who initialize their first names.
men who never think (men who never think).
liars and thieves!
liars and thieves!

but the men who jump from tall buildings never bounce more than once.
because if they bounce more than once, well....
they never jumped.

2007-03-10T07:09:00.000-08:00

you think your job sucks? ever come home with one of these?

2007-02-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

tonight this song saved my life :no.1
"did you feel the breeze, my love..."
some days are hard, you know.
so i slink home. plug in the box. hope for something.
tonight it was "summer's kiss" by the whigs. you know them. you know it. listen to it again.
some days are hard.

"my love, this dream i have each night/ i stare into a blinding light/ alone, i stare"
sigh.

2007-02-03T07:13:00.000-08:00

today is dave davies birthday. best wishes and good health to the coolest man in rock.
go listen to "death of a clown" or "strangers" or that beautiful guitar bit in "waterloo sunset". you'll be a better person for it.
it's better than that shit you're listening to.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE!!

2006-04-17T12:09:00.000-07:00

these are 6 lyrics from 6 songs i wish i had written:

6. i'm gonna turn on you/before you turn on me-"conjure me" afghan whigs
5. and these stilts i walk on/snap without my cross on-shadow of the dragon throats
4. back slapping drinkers cheer the heavyweight brawl-"watch your step" elvis costello
3. at the end of the line/i'm afraid that i will find/i spent all my time/disappointed-"disappointed" ass ponys
2. hear my lines aloof and gloomy/that's as close as you'll get to me-"charming mutt" martyrs
1. a fool will waste his life god rest his guts-"here comes a regular" replacements

i hate everyone of these people for writing better lyrics than i ever could. dulli for his lucid anger.mike for his creepy religious imagery. costello for his wit. the ass ponys 'cuz that's what i want on my tombstone.p. saur because that is the most heartbreaking and brutal line ever. and westerberg for summing it all up.
i will alwaus be the dave davies to their ray.

2006-03-09T07:44:00.000-08:00

from the desk of the minister of slogans

the language doesn't become you...all the other species are telepathic...the next arc is only taking one of each...a million different languages coming to an end...back to the sea where my movements are so graceful...tons of pressure shrugged off my shoulders...now, though, there is no life outside the arc...now, just the incompatible, dwindling few...

2006-02-15T07:44:00.000-08:00

the mutterer

a man sitting in the back of a bus. crooked fingers on filthy jeans. cursing you all under his breath. silence. a groan and:
"i know a secret...about everyone of you...even you...you sick...fucking...animal."

2006-02-02T07:34:00.000-08:00

A WIRELESS CAMERA pt. 5: the stretch

pops and crackles, they draw attention. we can shrink the organs to increase tension, give you that edge you need. making you, in effect, spring loaded. screws turn to enhance sense of humor, creativity, all mental processes. we can stretch your brain like taffy, snap it back like elastic. popping and crackling you walk through the day. you think you take those steps yourself. that's ok. that's what the screws are for.

starting to wonder what it's all for? you just need an adjustment. chemical carpentry. jesus was a carpenter. jesus was made of chemicals, just like you.

doesn't that feel nice? we're taking out the screws now. doesn't that feel nice? feel it washing over you. no more tension. no more energy. just close your eyes and we'll do the rest.

2006-01-23T08:44:00.000-08:00

pt. IV: Praying

she lifts herself with elegance. fingers roll like waves. a shadow slinking under covers. her mouth, her throat, a tunnel to a gathering. a sinister congregation. an awkward mass.
whispering a prayer for the mouth.
a prayer for all her guests and the airplanes and the tunnels that get them where they need to be!
then they say a prayer to me. to me!
a prayer of thanks for bringing them all together.

2006-01-12T07:38:00.000-08:00

A Dec. 25th Play

Santa: My name is Santa, and I'm an American.

Boy: that's obviously a pillow stuck underneath your shirt. And santa doesn't have a goatee.

Santa: Well! Someone is getting coal in their stocking this year!

Boy: If you come near me I'll fucking kill you.

THE END

2006-01-05T07:53:00.000-08:00

THE DAY pt.1: Waking

he was a mean guy. hands like stainless steel salad tongs. chemicals pumped through a fleshy vent. a reaction to fear. tightly packed white hair.
-i want to talk like everyone else-
he sweats telegraphically. i tap out a murder. i will be here forever. stranded in this showdown.
back to the action.
he is shaking his finger. fingers. fingers clenched around a fleshy vent. chemicals spill and burn through a glass tabletop. insects wade through puddles of discharge. hands on tightly clenched cheekbones.
a smile fades.
i'm awake.

2005-12-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

remember:
it never really happened.

2005-12-12T18:37:00.000-08:00

A Wireless Camera pt.4: The Union

"you could make that opening a little bigger. shorten the legs. some of the organs are unnecessary, but we have time to fix all that. jesus, it's like filling a grocery bag. when i was 5 we got a pinata for my brothers birthday party. this one reminds me of that, especially split open like he is."

i am a master plumber and electrician. i build working systems out of inactive materials. i have a gentle touch. i weild a mighty hammer. look up at those clouds, stare straight into the sun. yes, you can. i did that with wires and tubes. i can make it all work. i'm only lacking that one special gift.

2005-12-12T15:08:00.000-08:00

my choice for album of the year is alex chiltons' "like flies on sherbert". it wasn't released this year, i didn't get it this year, but nothing released in recent memory (my memory) has matched it's brilliance.
produced by chilton and jim dickinson (who should really, really produce every album recorded by guitar based bands from here on out), it's quite shocking on first listen. tempos fluctuate, drum sticks are dropped, guitars fade in and out of the mix, mics crackle overwhelmed by noise, and chilton cracks up mid-song. it sounds like they hired great session musicians then had them play instruments they had never touched before. it's everything commercial rock is not. it's fun. it's passionate. it's unrestrained. it's reckless. it's rock.
recently a re-mixed,re-mastered version was put out. this is like putting perfume on a turd. leave it be. sometimes a turd sums it all up.

"my rival/gonna stab him on arrival/shoot him dead with my rifle".

now that speaks to me.

2005-12-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

buzzards circle the small white man. synthesized percussion ping-ponging in his ears. a noose draped around him like a necktie.
the headgear is in place. your foot swings back. you wait for the word that will raise the sun and allow the buzzards to feed.

2005-12-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

I WILL CRUSH YOUR TESTICLES #1

2005-12-07T07:41:00.000-08:00

Why did that thought come to you when it did? what's the subtle difference between hearing voices and having irrational thoughts?
a crippled infant wakes up in a neat, new crib. starfish, strung from the ceiling, circle above.

goodnight...(sung)this won't do...(whispered)goodnight...

2005-11-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

"Note: In the summer of '73 surveillance monitors were installed in the Times Square area of New York City. -D.H."

that's a note from daryl hall to help explain his song "I'm Watching You( A Mutant Romance)" off of the groups "war babies" album. it is my latest favorite album. it was produced by Todd Rundgren who, apparently, in an acid fueled craze, thought the world was ready for this album. it was not. it's fucked up, but not FUCKED UP. it's insanity is subtle and, to my ears, more the result of hall and oates songwriting than the sonic bombast of rundgrens production. some song titles: "Beanie G. and the Rose Tattoo", "70's Scenario", "War Baby Son of Zorro", "Johnny Gore and the 'C' Eaters" and, most unbelievably, "Screaming Through December", my new official xmas anthem. this album rocks harder than BTO and is more melodic than the raspberries. for those stuck in the past, come dig this album. it's like living in the not too distant future. than again, as D.H. knowingly sings: "to some people fun is a drag".

2005-11-28T08:11:00.000-08:00

my latest favorite film is "the enigma of kaspar hauser", directed by werner herzog.
it's original title in german translates to "every man for himself and god against all".

2005-11-22T11:08:00.000-08:00

excerpt from "i'm ashamed of you"

2005-11-18T19:55:00.000-08:00

ODE TO CHARLIE CRUMB
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2005-11-14T17:19:00.000-08:00

I WILL CRUSH YOUR TESTICLES #1

2005-11-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

my christmas dream

i'm going to have a dream. in the dream my nose begins to bleed. a slow but steady flow. it continues for hours. then (in the dream ) i fall asleep.

when i wake the pillow will be soaked with blood.

2005-11-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

A Wireless Camera pt. 8

Weizsacker cracks his knuckles and sniffs at his fingers. a gamey, dead rodent smell seeps up through the slits in the deck. -the best moderator is heavy water - .

it's been raining now for 18 days. not quite biblical. different pitched squeaks as he crushes rats under his feet. when the rain finally ends the smell will be gone. only the bones will remain.

a new stonehenge made of rat bones, rotted wood, pine cones, and mud is erected. one last "FUCK YOU" for your childrens childrens children.

( the greatest wars have been fought underwater. in some circles, america is the "lost continent")

(click)

2005-11-09T19:59:00.000-08:00

middle aged sunglass type

you know, i should really come to terms with the fact that i'm a middle aged man. jesus, i put on 17 pounds this year. all in the gut. i've got the body of an ethiopian. "slender but flabby" to quote vince vaughn.
yes, i'm a middle aged man. a middle aged deli clerk. been one for 17 years! no major accomplishments under my belt. i got a letter from RCA records once asking for a demo tape i had made. sent it in. never heard back from them. you know who records for RCA? beats me, but i'm betting there aren't any deli clerks on their roster.
so, i'm a slowly expanding, slightly graying, average as average can be, middle aged deli clerk. paints quite a picture, eh?

so how come i still feel so superior to all...of...you.

-the feeb

p.s. pssssst (whispered) not you...but you know who.

2005-11-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

December 25th day

know what i want for dec. 25th day this year? that video the son of sam cult made of their killings. that would be awesome! anyone got it?
oh, or that unreleased herzog film with the big chicken chasing a midget.

thank you satan.

love,
lil' feeb

2005-11-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

well, it's my day off so i've been on the couch thinking about my funeral. i'm telling you people you want to have this planned out. i have been to some positively dreadful wakes. boring, awkward, uncomfortable at best. so i thought some music would inject some life into the proceedings. so to speak. so hear it is: the feebs wake mix tape.
or mix cd. yea, i can make it shorter that way.
1. i hope you're happy now-elvis costello (let them know it's ok to laugh)
2. holocaust-big star ( yeah, you can laugh, but it's still a fucking funeral)
3. sweet leaf-black sabbath
4. alcohol-the kinks ( these two will honor two very important phases in my life. and i think one of them will kill me.)
5. everybody cares, everybody understands-elliott smith (yea, right)
6. $1000 wedding- gram parsons ("was supposed to be a funeral/it's been a bad,bad dsy)
7. lake of fire- meat puppets (you gotta have a religious song)
8. the dust blows forward 'n' the dust blows back- capt. beefheart (very profound)
9. paris 1919- john cale (if you don't know it, get it. you'll see.)
10. halleluhwah-can ( this will give folks a good 18 minutes to reflect. and piss if need be.)
11. these days-nico ("please don't remind me of my failures/i have not forgotten them)
12. what jail is like-afghan whigs ( you know )
13. the sun ain't gonna shine anymore -the walker brothers ('cuz i'm an egomaniac)
encore: thank you friends-big star (nice processional, i think. "wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you")

man, i can't wait to die!

2005-10-31T11:29:00.001-08:00

i was once in the habit of sticking thumb tacs into my wooden leg. from thigh to ankle. i was spotted with dozen of them. like an abandoned bulletin board.

i once painted a blue stripe around my shin to make the leg look like a louisville slugger. i thought about burning "reggie jackson" onto my calf but figured i'd probably be pretty embarrassed explaining myself to my doctor.

p.s. there are tv shows designed to increase heart rate.